John Gottman, a renowned relationship psychologist, identified four negative communication patterns, which he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," that can cause significant damage to relationships. These four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Here's how they impact relationships and what can be done to remedy them:
Criticism: Criticism is an attack on someone's character or personality. It involves blaming and making negative judgments about the person rather than addressing the specific behavior that is causing the problem. Criticism can lead to defensiveness and may cause the person to shut down or withdraw from the conversation.
Remedy: Instead of attacking the person, focus on the behavior that is causing the problem. Use "I" statements to express how you feel and what you need. For example, "I feel hurt when you don't listen to me," instead of "You never listen to me."
Contempt: Contempt involves expressing disrespect, disgust, or superiority towards your partner. This can take the form of name-calling, sarcasm, or mockery. Contempt is toxic to relationships and can cause long-lasting damage.
Remedy: Practice empathy and try to see things from your partner's perspective. Make an effort to appreciate their positive qualities and express gratitude for the things they do.
Defensiveness: Defensiveness involves making excuses or deflecting blame instead of taking responsibility for your actions. This can make the other person feel like you're not taking their concerns seriously.
Remedy: Take responsibility for your actions and avoid making excuses. Listen to the other person's concerns and validate their feelings.
Stonewalling: Stonewalling involves withdrawing from the conversation or shutting down emotionally. This can be a sign of feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotion, but it can also be a way of avoiding conflict.
Remedy: Take a break if you're feeling overwhelmed, John Gottman calls this getting flooded but make sure to come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer, take at least 15-20 minutes. Practice self-soothing techniques like deep breathing or visualization to help regulate your emotions.
In summary, the four horsemen can have a devastating impact on relationships, but they can be remedied by focusing on specific behaviors, practicing empathy and gratitude, taking responsibility for your actions, and regulating your emotions.
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