Kat and Chris had been together for a few years, dealing with the ups and downs of their relationship. Chris had recently been diagnosed with adult ADHD and has always struggled with being alone, while Kat needed time alone to recharge. One weekend, Kate decided to take a much-needed solo trip out of town. A few hours in, her phone buzzed with texts from Chris, mixing worry and annoyance for Kat. Knowing Chris struggled when she wasn't around, she felt conflicted but wanted her weekend and didn't want to manage him, so she silenced her phone, hoping he would manage. Later, she read his texts, which started with a simple funny video but quickly turned into frustration and sadness, with messages like, "Why do you have to be like this? You always ignore me." A relationship blow-up was brewing.
Why Is Being Alone Challenging for People with ADHD?
People with ADHD often face unique challenges, including difficulty being alone. When left alone, a partner with ADHD might exhibit behaviors such as restlessness, impulsivity, difficulty focusing on a single task, and mood dysregulation. These behaviors often stem from an underlying need for constant stimulation to maintain adequate dopamine levels, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. As a result, they might engage in activities like excessive screen time, spontaneous online shopping, or other impulsive actions to satisfy their dopamine cravings. This can lead to emotional dysregulation, manifesting as mood swings, irritability, or feelings of frustration. Such emotional volatility can strain the relationship, as the non-ADHD partner may feel neglected, overwhelmed, or confused by the unpredictable behavior.
Key Research Findings:
Barkley (2014) found that people with ADHD often struggle with self-regulation, making it hard to engage in activities that require sustained attention when alone.
Tuckman (2009) highlighted that ADHD is linked to higher levels of impulsivity and sensation-seeking, which can lead to a preference for constant stimulation and social interaction.
Weiss et al. (2003) indicated that individuals with ADHD might have lower levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with reward and pleasure, leading them to seek out social interactions to boost their dopamine levels.
How to Support Your ADHD Partner
Understanding and empathy are crucial in supporting a partner with ADHD who struggles to be alone. Also, it can be difficult to hold the line of supporting your partner rather than parenting. Partners of individuals with ADHD may sometimes feel like they are taking on a parental role due to the extra support and organization needed to manage symptoms, which can lead to feelings of responsibility and caregiving in their relationship. Building and maintaining boundaries is crucial for partners of individuals with ADHD to ensure both partners' needs are met, reduce misunderstandings, and create a supportive environment where each person can thrive individually and together.
Stategies to Help
1. Understand Their Needs
Empathy and Education:
Learn about ADHD and its impact on your partner's daily life.
Engage in open conversations about their experiences and challenges.
2. Create a Supportive Environment
Consistent Communication:
Check-in regularly with your partner, especially when you know they'll be alone for extended periods.
Use technology to stay connected, like video calls or messaging apps.
Structure and Routine:
Help establish a daily routine that includes regular social interactions and engaging activities.
Encourage participation in hobbies or interests that can be done independently.
3. Encourage Self-Care and Coping Strategies
Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques:
Suggest mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, to help manage restlessness.
Encourage physical activities, like yoga or walking, which can help reduce anxiety and improve focus.
Engaging in Structured Activities:
Recommend structured activities, such as puzzles, reading, or art projects, which can provide a sense of accomplishment and reduce boredom.
Support their involvement in community groups or classes, which can offer social interaction and reduce feelings of isolation.
Conclusion
Understanding and supporting a partner with ADHD who struggles to be alone requires empathy, communication, clear boundaries, and practical strategies. By creating a supportive environment and encouraging healthy coping mechanisms, you can help your partner manage their difficulties and strengthen your relationship. For those with ADHD, developing routines, staying connected, and practicing self-soothing techniques can significantly improve their ability to cope with being alone.
References:
Barkley, R. A. (2014). Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment. Guilford Publications.
Tuckman, B. W. (2009). The Effect of Added Stimulation on the Performance of an ADD/ADHD Person. Journal of Attention Disorders, 12(2), 148-152. doi:10.1177/1087054708326116
Weiss, M., Hechtman, L., & Weiss, G. (2003). ADHD in Adulthood: A Guide to Current Theory, Diagnosis, and Treatment. Johns Hopkins University Press.
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